


reinhard fights the sun

by Turacoverdin



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29219964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turacoverdin/pseuds/Turacoverdin
Summary: reinhard fights the sun
Comments: 34
Kudos: 129





	reinhard fights the sun

“This was an excellent idea,” Reinhard remarks as he folds up the umbrella. “Although..” He scratches at his face. It feels a bit itchier than usual.

“Right? I’ve never been to the beach before!” Felt’s absolutely delighted. Her face is all red. “We’re doing this again.”

Subaru draws closer. “I wish this place had sunblock,” he gripes. “It was worth it, though,” he decides aloud, turning to look at Emilia, who’s delightedly making a sand castle with Ram. Well, Ram is instructing Emilia on how to make the sand castle—she’s not doing much to actually make it.

“Sunblock?” Reinhard queries.

“Yeah, you know, to prevent sunburn?”

“Sunburn?” Reinhard asks, concerned.

“Reeeinnnhaaard,” Felt whines, “my stomach’s all painful.”

“That’s sunburn,” Subaru answers, nodding to Felt. Her exposed skin, of which she has a questionably copious amount, is bright red and shiny. “You’ve never heard of sunburn? What about skin cancer?”

“The sun has...hurt Felt?” Reinhard asks distantly, turning to squint at the sun. It makes his eyes sting. His vision darkens, tunneling until all he can see is that taunting glare. “Insult to injury…” he murmurs.

“—what are you—”

“Felt,” Reinhard announces grandly, “I will return shortly.”

Felt looks up. “Wait, you’re not gonna—”

Reinhard crouches down, then launches himself into the air. He careens through the atmosphere, almost at the speed of light, rocketing towards the sun. A corona of fire surrounds him as the friction of his speed burns the molecules around him. He hurtles into space.

“He’s going to…” Subaru trails off, astounded by the sheer stupidity of Reinhard’s actions. “He’s going to die.” 

Julius wanders over. “What put such a look on your face?” he asks Subaru, a teasing lilt to his voice. Subaru doesn’t react, simply gazing towards the sky. Julius frowns, concerned.

“Reinhard’s going to fight the sun,” Felt says tiredly. She looks utterly and completely done.

“He’s going to—” Julius pales. “He’s going to win.”

“We’re all going to die,” Subaru realizes.

“What? Why?” Felt doesn’t bother to inject much energy into her questions.

“The sun’s a massive ball of nuclear fusion and fire. It’s going to explode, and it’s going to take us with it. Even if it didn’t explode, we’d all freeze.” Subaru buries his face in his hands. “We’re screwed.”

“Oh,” Felt says faintly. She doesn’t ask what _nuclear fusion_ means, for once too shocked to care about learning more about Subaru’s odd phrases.

They stare at the sky blankly for a while. Emilia finishes her sand castle and excitedly tells Subaru, who rallies impressively and lets her show him her creation.

“He’s handling this very well,” Julius remarks, his voice strained.

“He’s crazy,” Felt tells him. “I’m going to scream.” Julius nods solemnly and she does so.

“Oh, she’s fine,” Subaru reassures Emilia in the background.

Julius sits down heavily.

Meanwhile, a little more than eight minutes and a half minutes and 93 million miles away, Reinhard shoots towards the sun. He draws his sword. A chute of heat bubbles out of the sun, a tentacle of fiery death over 5,500 degrees celsius, or 10,000 degrees fahrenheit. A coronal mass ejection, formed by eddies in ripples in the sun’s magnetic field, explodes violently, sending roughly 18 billion metric tons, or 20 billion non-metric tons, into space. Egregiously offended, Reinhard fights the sun.

It is a relatively long battle for Reinhard, who is fighting with his whole strength. It takes almost one whole minute. It is a very short fight for the sun, which is over four and half million years old, and which is more than 109 times the diameter of the Earth. Unsurprisingly, Reinhard, in all his 19-year-old, 184 centimeter, six foot and half-an-inch glory, wins.

The sun explodes, sending over 99.8% of the mass in the universe rocketing outwards in a halo of instant vaporization. Reinhard smiles, satisfied and luxuriating in his success.

He catches sight of Mercury, which has charged off of its normal orbit now that it no longer has anything to orbit around. Its desperate change is useless. As Reinhard watches, it is caught by the wave of light and instantly annihilated.

Comprehension dawns on Reinhard. Unfortunately, it does so slower than 299,792,459 miles per second, and Reinhard is unable to travel through time to erase his mistake. Reinhard turns and rushes back towards Earth, which has, like Mercury, deviated from its scheduled flight path. Reinhard is too late.

A flash lights up the sky. “Fuck,” says Julius vehemently.

Felt opens her mouth. Before she can utilize her vast and vivid vocabulary, acquired from a life on the streets, the Earth is destroyed.

A strange, inhuman force grasps a single life in its eldritch talons. “This is my stupidest death yet,” says the single life. The inhuman force sighs exasperatedly in agreement.

Time shifts.

“The sun has...hurt Felt?” Reinhard asks distantly, turning to squint at the sun. It makes his eyes sting. His vision darkens, tunneling until all he can see is that taunting glare. “Insult to injury…” he murmurs.

He crouches down. Before he can launch himself into the sky and use his considerable might to utterly decimate the sun, he’s tackled from the side.

“NO,” Subaru shouts, whacking Reinhard with his flip-flop. “ DON’T. YOU. DARE. I REFUSE TO DIE BECAUSE YOU GOT PISSED ABOUT SOME SUNBURN.”

“But—” Reinhard protests feebly, blinking, as harmless and as sweet as a wounded kitten.

“NO,” Subaru screeches mercilessly, like a kitten-eating banshee.

“Okay,” Reinhard whimpers, thoroughly cowed. “Please get off of me.”

Subaru sits on top of him. “No,” he says, tilting his chin up.

Reinhard lays there, pouting but not protesting. The slayer of the sun has been defeated by one angry teenager and his shoe. An apocalyptic crisis passes, averted without the notice of all but one, who whacks the harbinger one more time with his shoe just for good measure.

**Author's Note:**

> somewhere out there, pride-subaru cries


End file.
